Given that I don’t think I could name five celebrities, I didn’t realize quite how bad the memecoin scene had actually gotten…
Very well then! Time to turn this humble Substack into a Page Six style gossip rag….
Hollywood heartthrob John Napier is back in the news! The sultry Scot, who set all our hearts aflutter with his invention of logarithms, is rumored to be at it again. Insiders are buzzing that he may be lending a touch of his star power onto memecoin $NPR! If so, we can only imagine your Instagram alerts popping off. Keep an eye out…
It seems to have touched off the latest craze in Tinseltown. The glitterati know that sprinkling just a hint of that celeb magic onto memecoins can make them go viral. The entire A-list of mathematicians are jockeying to be next.
Of course you know bad boy Bernhard Riemann is the first to rush to jump on this trend. The megawatt star of “Über die Hypothesen, welche der Geometrie zugrunde liegen” is believed to be in talks to lend his name to a memecoin called $CRV. Might Riemann-Curve become the latest celeb pairing? Surely a bit of celeb oomph could propel the team behind this obscure project, trading for just pennies, into a nicer house!
Bernie isn’t the only math guru shameless cashing in on his 15 minutes of fame. Jean-Pierre Serre, our favorite pioneer of coherent cohomology, is not ready to call it quits after getting isotrivial principal bundles on algebraic varieties trending on social media (and in all our hearts!)
Paparazzi snapped photos of the Fields Medalist at a nightclub with a mystery person leading to rampant speculation on the internet the mystery individual was non other than C2TP, suggesting the convex geometer may be backing memecoin $CVX.
Here’s hoping!
Tired of hearing about Augustin-Louis Cauchy? The controversial calculus connoisseur can’t help but stay out of the limelight, thanks to collaborations with A-listers like Riemann, Euler, Schwarz, Frobenius, Kovaleskaya… and it seems as though another may be in the pipeline.
Piggybacking off his heavily hyped work on partial sums of infinite series, onlookers are speculating he’ll be tying himself to Convergence’s memecoin $CVG… as if anybody is surprised at this point!
When it’s mathematician memecoin madness, of course you knew Apollonius of Perga would be quick to jump on the bandwagon.
Fans long felt the star of Conics: Books I-VIII would be a match made in heaven for Conic Finance’s $CNC. Of course, only Apollonius could have the marquis status to send it parabolic. No hyperbole!
ITEM! Are former “it couple” Chen Ning Yang and Robert Mills calling it quits? The potential split is reported to be amicable, but just try to imagine the front page of tabloids without the latest “Yang-Mills” gossip.
Fans are posting their heartbreak about the breakup of the supersymmetry pioneers under the hashtag #Asymmetry, so perhaps an official tie-in with the Asymmetry Finance memecoin $ASF might be just around the corner?
Ever since Loomdart first pumped it, the hypereligible Dart brothers have been fixtures on the gossip pages. The eldest Joseph Dart has been busier inventing mechanised grain-elevators than socializing, but might the tycoon be branching out? The rumor mill is buzzing that he’s involving himself with the SILO memecoin. A spokesperson for Silo didn’t deny the rumors, throwing fuel on the fire
Who says he’s peaked? Marion “King” Hubbert, whose face adorns childrens’ lunchboxes thanks to his megahit modeling of peak oil, might be moving beyond applied geophysics?
Piggybacking off his famed optimization of natural gas reserves, he’s been recently linked with the folks from Reserve Protocol. Did somebody say the king might be lending an endorsement to the $RSR memecoin? We can’t wait to find out!
The hardest working man in showbiz, Leonhard Euler, is at it again. A household name thanks to “Methodus inveniendi lineas curvas maximi minimive proprietate gaudentes, sive solutio problematis isoperimetrici latissimo sensu accepti,” he’s been pushing a social media campaign to meme math functions using an novel notation, writing it as “f(x)”
To help popularize the unusual lettering, he’s been seen about town with Antoine Galland of Aladdin fame. Insiders claim they’re releasing a small batch print of FXN meme tokens to promote the nomenclature, let’s see if it catches on!
On a sadder note, tragedy struck Ettore Bugatti, the famed pioneer of horseless carriages. His 30-year old son Jean died test driving a Type 57 tank-bodied racing vehicle near the tycoon’s Molsheim factory. The grief-stricken Bugatti and family are organizing funeral services, and the notorious gearhead is allegedly working with the Gearbox team on a $GEAR memecoin in his honor. RIP!